How to Became a Successful Runner

By successful I mean; I've ran in a few races, won a few medals, and haven't died. I have a love/hate relationship with running. Somedays I love running. I love it the entire time my feet are pounding on the pavement.  <Like HERE>  Other days I struggle to motivate myself to do even the tiniest of runs. Hell, I can't even motivate myself to get up and brush my hair. But most days are me going back and forth with myself between loving and hating it throughout the entire run. In case you've ever wondered what it may be like to be inside my head on a run; then this post is for you...

Starting out I typically feel great. I'm all "I can conquer the world! My strength is without falter!"

3 minutes in...

I feel as though I am dying. My body's cells are shriveling up. My kidneys are shutting down. I need water.

Clearly, I'm overreacting. I won't die and you won't either! Just put one foot in front of the other.

By now I've started to cross paths with a few other fellow runners and I feel compelled to wish them good day. I try to smile in a non creepy way, but let's be honest, even in the best of circumstances I come off awkward.

I have snot oozing down my nose. My cheeks are flushed. My eyes have began to water because I'm outside and am allergic to everything. The only thing I can think is, Don't die. Don't die. Don't die as my heart begins to beat against my lungs. The searing, stabbing pain makes me want to stop. Just say fuck it. I hate running anyways. Then I remember how awesome I feel when I'm finally finished and I push myself onward.

Then I begin to use other tactics to motivate myself. I make deals with myself. Run to that telephone pole, then you can stop and walk. Then I arrive at said telephone pole and reevaluate. Am I dead? No. Do I feel like dying? Uh, maybe. Well shut up and keep going! You want to look good in a bikini this summer, don't you? Um, ye-yeah. Think about what you'll eat when you get home. How will you nourish your body for all this hard work? PIZZA!!! FRIES!!!

I'm not thinking about a salad. or salmon. I'm thinking about something fat and starchy. OK! I can do this!! I think I can. I think I can. Better turn my music up louder! I'll need some motivation. Maybe since I'm not dying I'll continue to run for the rest of this song when I reach the top of this hill, then I'll take a walk break.

Reaches top of the hill...

OK. You got this! I push and push myself to get to the top of the second hill and just as Mambo No. 5 stops playing I want to throw myself down on the ground panting. But I'm going to be sick instead. I can't tell you how many times I ruined things by puking. I swear I don't mean to. It just happens. All my life; in volleyball practice-- puke during a drill. Running a half marathon-- puke in the middle of the path. Big piano recital-- puke before going up on stage. It just happens. But in a weird way I kind of like it. I pushed myself THAT hard. Way to go! Great discipline!

My deepest apologies for all the moments I've ruined for so many people by puking. So sorry. 

But I'm a bad ass mother f#cker!

Just kidding. I'm weak. and fat.

But that's not the only way I've ruined moments for people. I've recently moved to a big city and live beside a very nice park. Naturally a lot of people have photo shoots at the park. Head shots, senior pictures, family pictures, wedding pictures. And I ruin all of those too.

I always try to make the moment better by shouting, "I LIKE YOUR DRESS!" in hopes that the bride won't be too bitchy at me for interrupting their wedding. But I'm sure it just comes out very awkward. And yes. I shoot them the "peace" sign.

By now I'm STARVING and there are all these couples hanging around eating picnics at the park. Do they not see me struggling to lose weight and stay motivated and not get distracted by their mouth watering food?! How dare they!

I run past them one by one and smell the delicious aromas of their glorious food. I really have to suppress the urge to run up to them and just steal a piece of bread. I want to try that someday though. Just to see what would happen. What would you do if this happened to you?

But I suppress my urges and run on.

As I run I keep thinking Why am I running? This was a horrible idea. I hate running. Who are those damn freaks that run 50 miles? Freaks! THIS IS TORTURE!

Then the voice of some skinny bitch pops up in my head. "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."

And I start to think of things that taste better than feeling skinny...

And to myself I ask,  Well? Well? You don't have a comeback for that do you? Voice in my head?

Now I'm back at my apartment. I stop talking to the voices in my head and turn off my running app. I catch my breath and look at how far I've ran and think...

Now that wasn't so bad...