Is Grandma a Badass?

I was wasting my life away scrolling through the internet when I found a hilarious post. A father created works of art based off of the crazy things his three-year-old daughter said. Now I saw these pictures and thought of many of my little cousins and all the crazy shit that they say. So I tag some cousins and a few hours later I receive a gem from one.

Her daughter, who deserves an entire blog dedicated to funny shit she says, had asked her mother a few weeks back, "Is grandma a badass?" "Grandma" being my mom's sister, my aunt, is a badass in the sense that she will wrap you up tight in a blanket, make you chai tea, owns every Disney film available, and will take the very best care of you possible if you are feeling under the weather. She's pretty much Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show. Not the typical definition of "badass" but she is truly badass, no doubt.

This made me think, what are some of my more memorable quotes from my childhood.....

hmmm....

One day my grandpa had asked me for some "sugar" as he was referring to kisses. I told him, "I'm all out."

He responded, "Well looks like you'll have to make some. Where do kisses come from?"

And I loudly proclaimed, "FROM MY BUTT!"


I can only imagine that in my tiny four-year-old brain I had at some point heard an older cousin shout, "kiss my butt," and my tiny brain had deduced that kisses do in fact come from my butt.


Where do kisses come from?

I'm a terrible blogger...

Ok. It's been a LONG time since I've been on here. I suck. I super suck. I don't have any excuses except I've had several busy months.... New Years Resolution is to start posting more on this. haha.





One of my most prevalent thoughts as of late is this; Why can't these protesters take to the streets and sing Les Miserables songs instead of, "F*** the police" or the disgusting, "Pigs in a blanket, smell like bacon" ?

Don't they know a revolution without dancing is not a revolution worth having?

..... I mean if you're going to wear the Guy Fawkes mask.....

**Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of the people who will not be slaves again! When the beating of your heart equals the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!**

How Rude!

Sometimes when I look back on my cherished childhood shows I realize just how dumb I was as a kid. How did I not notice!!

In order for Full House to be an actual "full house" there would either need to be two male figures in the house and the three girls, or the three men and kill one of the girls. I would say let's kill Michelle's character because that would actually be killing two girls. Two birds, one stone sort of thing.

Also I've seemed to have forgotten who was a brother to who? Either way two of the men should share a last name. Danny Tanner. Joey Gladstone. and Jesse Katsopolis. I mean, I guess somewhere someone's parents slept with someone Greek... So perhaps that solves my random questions that I'm having tonight.

And this is the first post on the internet about Full House that didn't make a crude joke about Bob Saget porking the Olsen twins.



On second thought-- Let's kill Kimmy.

You bastards!

Ebooks Sale!!

Today's the day!!!!!

(Sorry, I've been watching Dexter.)

Anywho, if you missed my last post LAST POST CLICK HERE!!! then you missed that I announced I am putting two of my short ebooks on sale on Amazon for this week. (Aren't I nice? HA!) I will warn that they both have a few raunchy sex scenes (but who doesn't secretly eat that stuff up?) so just beware if that's not your cup of tea. Of course I can't be serious about everything, so they're both very goofy and funny. (I'm a horrible person to date. I ruin ever romantic moment.)

Undying Love is zombie romantic comedy. It is also the longest of the two. The Biggest Bang Ever! Is a parody and also has a gratuitous coitus scene.  I hope that you guys will enjoy them!!

Right now they are both on sale for $0.99 so get them while they're cheap!!!

xoxo,
Sally

Some Beach, Somewhere.

Hello all!!

Deepest apologies for my hiatus. I do not have a very valid reason other than: 1) While visiting back home on break my parents' house lost internet access because the neighbor's trees are starting to put on leaves. You may think that that's no big deal (as for most, it isn't) but we live in the middle of Nowhere. So over one full week without internet. 2) I've been in the fabulous Savannah/ Tybee Island, Georgia area for the past few days. Again, without internet. I promise to do better next time; i.e. go to a Starbucks.

I have a 13 hour drive ahead of me. In the meantime, I'm going to include links to a couple of books I have for purchase on Amazon.com (free to prime members!!) Why am I shamelessly plugging these books? It's not possibly that I've been on vacation and desperately need money. Why no, no, no, no, no. Ok. Yes. But really it's because I will be starting a promotion on these two short stories. The promotion starts on Sunday, the 25th at 8:00 am (PST). It will end at Midnight on June 1st. Normally these two stories run at $2.99. The promotion will have two different price increments starting at $0.99 and $1.99 before returning to the $2.99 on the 1st. Please, take advantage of this opportunity to read these stories and provide feedback. It will be greatly valued and much appreciated.

Click HERE to check out Undying Love. 

A zombie romance.

Click HERE to check out The Biggest Bang Ever!

A comedic parody.

Now I think I will enjoy one last cup of coffee on the beach this morning. Until next time my friends.

xoxo, 

Sally

Completion of Finals Week (Mostly)

Let me start this by saying, I am writing this post in my underwear while the crapping scene from Bridesmaids is playing in the background. I don't know who I love more: Kristen Wig or Melissa McCarthy? "Look away! Look away!"

.....

Anyways. I'm nearly done with all my finals. All I have left is an optional final that I've decided would be good practice to take. I'm a glutton for punishment. I've passed all my classes. I've survived one more simulation with Bruce Vilanch. (If you missed that post, check it out HERE! And trust me it is LOADS better than this post/rambling) I'm 'this close' to being on a two week break. You know what that means?? New books! New stories! Way better blogs (sorry this sucks. I am drained.) And a girls trip to the beach!!!

Thank you for your patience my friends.

xoxo,
Sally

How I Almost Got Kicked Out of Nursing School

Simulations sound like a brilliant idea at first. To the newbs. You think, "It'll be great. A safe place to make mistakes. A positive learning environment. Kumbaya."

Horse shit.

It's a dark dungeon, controlled by a sadistic revolting beast. The sight of it sickens me. She's Bruce Vilanch's doppelganger. You can smell its rotting flesh as soon as you exit the elevator. Its coffee breath is so putrid it could have done more damage than the A bomb on Hiroshima. I hear a sinister laugh from behind the closed door as it sets up my simulation. My fists clench, my eyebrows furrow, I am ready to take on this vile demon.

A classmate exits the room, crying. She doesn't even look at me.

"You may enter," hissed the voice of Diablo.

I approached the Beast. I had my prep worksheet completed. I included as much information as I could to satisfy its needs.

"You have not included the Furosemide in your write up. Nor the mechanism of action for Digoxin," it snarled. A wicked grin spread across its unholy face. It thought it had me. I could practically see it salivating. If it had, I would not be allowed to continue onward. My future as a student would be in jeopardy. 

"I- I- Furosemide wasn't prescribed," I exclaimed, finally finding my voice. "And digoxin has an unclear mechanism of action. It's a positive inotrop. It increases contractility. Furosemide can be given in an IV bolus over 1-2 minutes. It's a loop diuretic." 

The Beast stopped salivating. It thought for a moment. It flung its arm in the air, "Fine. We'll get started." The revolting smell emanated from it's unkempt body. The odor threatened to singe my eyebrows. "Wait outside for me to call you in."

I never know when it's time for me to come in. There is no call light outside of its dungeon. Another thing unlike a REAL hospital, I thought. I hear a lot of coughing from behind the door. Is that my que? I don't know. I enter the room.

"NURSE, NURSE, NURSE! I'm DYING! Can't you see I'm DROWNING?!"

The Beast is controlling the voice and movements of the doll. I can't see it. But I know its there behind the mirror. Watching me. Judging me. Hating me.

"What are you doing? Why aren't you helping me? Do you not know what to do?!?!" The doll sounds panicked.

I give a cold stare to the mirror. It has a flare for the dramatics.

"It's alright, Mr. Jones. My name is Sally. I'll be your nurse for the day. I see that you were admitted last night. You have heart failure and it looks like fluid may be backing up." I touch the lifeless hand of the plastic doll. I cross check the wristband and confirm it with the ID on the computer. "I'm just going to take your vitals real quick and then I'll see if there are some medications I can give you so you'll feel better."

"YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE MY WHAT?!?!"

Restraining an eye roll, I explain in a calm voice, "Silly me. I mean I will MEASURE your vital signs. I won't be taking anything today, Mr. Jones." I listen to the heart; clear. I listen to the lungs; crackles, as suspected. I'm inclined to drop the 100,000 dollar plastic doll on it's back but I'm sure that will get me expelled. I go to assess the edema in the feet. "Assessing for edema," I say out loud.

The Beast remains silent.

I clear my throat, "Assessing for edema," I say again.

Nothing.

"A-hem. Edema!"

"2+!" the Beast's diabolical voice boomed above me from the speaker.

"Thanks."

I report my vitals to the mirror and turn back to the fake patient. "Mr. Jones, I'm going to call the doctor to see about switching your thiazide diuretic to a loop diuretic. It will work faster and hopefully have you feeling better quicker."

"Will it work instantly?" the Beast loves to mess with me.

"No, sir. It will work fast, but not instantly."

"Will it work instantly?" again, the Beast knows I'm annoyed. I can't help my face. It betrays me everytime.

I compose myself. "No. It won't be instant, but it will be faster. I'll be right back," I force a smile to the doll. I walk over to the phone and punch in the fake number to the fake doctor. "I'm calling the doctor," I announce loudly to the empty room so the Beast knows who it needs to pretend to be.

"Hello! Who is this?!" it didn't buy my fake smile apparently.

Tenderly, I say into the receiver, "This is Nurse Sally. I'm calling about a patient, Mr. Jones, that I have received this morning. I would like to see if we could change his prescription from a thiazide diuretic to a loop?"

"What hospital are you at?!"

Fuck! I don't know what the fuck to call this place? It isn't real. "I'm at the ABC hospital," I make up.

"I don't work there."

Click.

You've got to be kidding me. I dial out again. "Calling the doctor!" I exclaim to the empty room.

"Hello?!"

"Hi, it's Nurse Sally again. How silly of me. I meant to say that I work at the Simulation Hospital," I say far too cheery. I can almost hear my own teeth break as I grind them in my smile.

"Ah, yes. Now I DO work there. What was the question again?"

I repeat my request. 

"Nurse. NURSE! NURSE!!!" I turn to face the fake patient. The Beast put on a soundtrack of him coughing violently. "Am I going to die!? Why haven't you gotten my meds yet? Are you competent?" I can picture that same wicked smile spread across the Beast's face. My eyes water as I remember the smell of its rancid breath.

"I'm on the phone with your doctor right now," I respond sincerely. 

"Hello?!" The shouting through the phone nearly blows my ear drum. "If you're not paying attention to me I'm just going to hang up. I don't have time for this foolishness."

Click.

I take a few deep breaths and try to remain calm. My heart has shifted from my normal bradycardic rhythms to tachycardia. I glance at the clock. Only 10 more minutes left. If the Beast holds me over it will put it behind on the its entire afternoon schedule. "Calling the doctor," I call out so the Beast behind the mirror can hear me.

"WHAT?!" The fake doctor screams into the receiver.

"It's Nurse Sally again, sir. I'm sorry I wasn't giving you my full attention earlier. May we try this again.?"

**Cough** **Cough** **Cough**

I ignore the plastic doll's coughing fit. I need to get this fake medication into my fake patient so he doesn't fake die, but I can't do that until after I get a new order from the fake doctor.

"Ok. I'll write up a new prescription,"

"Thank you, doctor."

Click. 

I stand around for a few minutes waiting for the new order to pop up from the fake doctor. Really, Beast, what ARE you doing in there? Just watching me? I try to make use of my time and document the fake vitals of my fake patient on the fake hospital's fake computer program. The new order pops up.

**Cough** **Cough** **Cough**

I rush to the imitation medicine cabinet. I log onto the two mock-up computers so that I can retrieve the medicine. SHIT! The Beast has pulled another one on me. The order is in the system wrong. One computer says one thing. The other computer says something completely different. Fuck off.

It's hard to hide my anger. My pulse is loud enough I can hear it in my ears. I'm shaking. I'm on the verge of cracking.

"Simulation terminated," booms the Beast's voice overhead once more.

It slithers out of the room from behind the mirror. That evil grin is on its face. There's a glint in its eye. I think this is what it looks like when it's happy. If it is even capable of experiencing the feeling of happiness.

"Looks like you didn't know what to do about the mismatched orders," it snickers.

I knew it! It is happy! My face grows red.

"I guess this means that you haven't been looking at my powerpoints?"

"I always look at the powerpoints everytime before a simulation," I answer, slowly. They never change. It's nothing knew, but I always review it just in case. "There wasn't anything on there that told me how to override it!" I can't hold back the anger in my tone. I try hard, but it seeps through.

Cracking another smile, "You would've known if you'd looked at those presentations. Clearly you have not." It's licking its lips again. I can see the saliva collecting in its mouth getting trapped in the corner of its lips.

Gross.

I try hard to maintain my composure.

I pause for a moment to collect my thoughts. How could I prove my point? It hits me!

I look at the beast as if it's an adorable puppy instead of the grotesque monster that it is.

"You are the worst student I've ever had. The worst of the worst. You shouldn't be allowed to look after a worm! YOU WILL NEVER SURVIVE THIS PROGRAM!" The Beast is drawing itself up to full height, sticking out its chest.

I smile and think to myself....

I knew I had the Beast. I just knew I did. I place my hand over my name badge. "What's my last name?" I ask politely.

"What?" it hisses back.

"What's my last name?" I ask cocking my head back slightly.

"WHAT?!"

I suppress my inner Samuel L. Jackson. Say what one more time...

"What's my last name?" I ask one last time.

"I don't know," the Beast admits.

I smile. I know I've just won. "You read my last name every single week that I come in here, and yet you don't remember it. Not that I would expect you to. And trust me I don't mind. You see, that's only one word for you to learn and be an expert on. I have ten powerpoints, and 30 minutes of videos to be an expert on, on top of an extremely ambitious workload already."

"YOU ARE DISMISSED!!!!!" The Beast shoots fire through its eyes. I duck down as to not have my hair burned.

And that's how I almost got kicked out of school.

How to Attract Hot Men

As one might have already noticed, I can talk quite a bit. However, when one crosses paths with a hot boy, one turns into a big pile of awkward goo. I've been bogged down with homework the past week. So I like to retreat to my building's rooftop. It's quiet. I'm outside. I'm trying to work on a tan for the summer. It's amazing and I usually get a lot accomplished. It was such a beautiful day today. Too beautiful to waste spent inside a concrete box.

I LOVE mixing grapes with colby jack cheese. I mean I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Try it.

So I thought I'd be all cool and what not and eat my cheese and grapes while reading. I'm such a hipster.

{50 points to Gryffindor if you know what book I'm reading!!}

Interrupting my peaceful tranquility a neighbor came upstairs. Typically I'm annoyed by this. I was about to assess the situation and decide if I should remain on the roof or go downstairs when I hear this deep, husky, voice.

I have no idea who he is. I've never seen him before, so he must be new. Plus he was seriously, super friendly. The city hasn't destroyed his soul, yet. Fresh meat.... and I'm hungry.

I would love for this story to now turn into an erotic tale of two hot twenty somethings getting it on on the roof... but I'm not hot... and regretfully that's not how things went down.....

Instead my face was paralyzed. Frozen. Words wouldn't come out of my mouth. By the son of Neptune, who is this god before me?

It's a very attractive face. 

He must've been blind because he asked me what I was doing. I should've sustained a normal conversation. Just breathe. He won't bite-- Oh! but I hope he does!! 

Say something clever, Sally. Like, "Hi." or  "I'm Sally." or  "I don't believe we've met. I'm just doing a little school work. Beautiful day we're having aren't we?"

Instead I said, "I'm reading systematic reviews and guidelines for the treatment and prevention of central-line acquired bloodstream infections post insertion."

He said, "Cool," and I returned my gaze to my homework.

I couldn't let him see how bright red my cheeks were. I'm sure he could see how uncomfortable he is making me. (But in a good way!) Thankfully, he sits down near me and quietly gets out his sandwich and begins to eat it. It was quite windy up there. When he sat his sandwich down to take a drink his sandwich was blown off the table and exploded all over the roof.

Such tragedy.   

Such loss.

Again, I should've been clever, but I'm me. Therefore; I'm not. I mumbled something like "Oh, that stinks," and I think I did so in a cockney accent?

And he responds, "Well, I'm glad it was my lunch and not your papers that blew away." So thoughtful. So sweet. Who are you hot neighbor?

I should've kicked my charm into gear. I should've said...

Because he was.

But I let myself sit in silence. He proceeded to lay out for twenty more minutes to soak up some sun. 

I didn't accomplish any work during that time. I've never been so grateful for sunglasses than I was in that moment. They provided the right shade to allow me to stare at his amazing body inconspicuously. He had a baroque style cross tattoo on his chiseled right scapula. His abs were right on the brink of being a six pack. I sat there watching as his chest rose and fell. His ribs would be exposed when his chest expanded. His collar bone was prominent. I wished he hadn't dropped his sandwich. My favorite body part is the masseter. Also, my favorite verb is masticate.

He bid me farewell after a few minutes. Again, words failed me.

But I think I left a burning desire inside him to learn more about me through the use of awkward silences and frozen faces.

 xoxo,

Sally

A New Poll!

Like many siblings, my brother and I love to make bets against one another. Recently, we've made one over who could sell the most copies of their story (both of us are on Amazon) with the worst idea ever. We get to choose each other's topic. I've been given a parody of 50 Shades of Grey but set in a trailer park. My story's Christian will be the richest man in the trailer park. I've only wrote 1000 words so far but it is coming together nicely. I hope to be able to post it within the next couple of weeks.

(Currently, I'm writing an evidence based synthesis research paper and presentation on prevention of central line infections-- SO-- whenever I have some spare time I will try to finish that story so all yous guyz can read it. Capisce?)

 I've added a poll that will expire on May the Fourth be with you (and also with you-- I was raised Catholic). Feel free to vote in the poll or even better-- leave a comment of what writing prompt I can give my brother.

xoxo,
Sally

Wasted Away Again in Pinterestville

I gave in today. I set up a pinterest account and I can already tell I will be spending a ton of time on that website. This is why I held out for so long. I knew it would consume me. Oh, well. The semester is nearly over already! Yay!

Become my friend on there! Click HERE to follow me on Pinterest! I still don't know what I'm doing! Haha. :)

Running Inspiration

Seriously, I'm not going to make this blog be solely about running; it's just that that's what I've been doing a lot of lately. However, if you enjoy reading about running click HERE and HERE. Yesterday I crushed a new goal that I made at the beginning of Lent. I would run 200 miles before Easter. Actually, it was a "challenge" on one of my fitness apps so I thought "What the heck?" I need to get that Summer body soon anyways...

Here's a blast from my past...

This is where I used to run. I trained for a half marathon out here in this gravel paradise. It was glorious! All alone. Just me and pandora. And the occasional neighbor dog.

Meet Jack! He's a neighbor's dog that always ran with me. He once was shot, in the neck, survived, and a month later ran 11 miles with me. He's a beast. He's absolutely the best running partner. If I ever stop to take pictures (which is fairly often) he thinks it is play time. I've received many split lips because of him tackling me unsuspectingly. He's great though. Love this big fella!

This is my 7 mile marker. What a breathtaking sight in Autumn.

Here are my 1 mile markers:

That my friend is a floating bridge. It has chains to secure it to the road so when the water level rises it rises with it. I think it's beautiful but I can't tell you how many times our school bus almost ran off that bridge. It can be scary but still very beautiful.

These places are all very near and dear to my heart. Especially my 1 mile markers. I can't begin to tell you the amount of happiness that consumes you when you know you only have one mile left until you are back home and can devour that pizza, err, salad. Yes. Salad. That's what I meant... {shifty eyes}

But then I had to move.

So here are my new 1 mile markers:

I love black and white photographs.... Here's a few more of the city....

As you can maybe tell I feel like I'm leading double lives. There's a simple country girl in me. I'm very happy to ride the tractor and eat a sandwich from the Amish store nearby....

And there's a small part of me that's city. I suppose I need to enjoy the opportunity at hand and channel some swankiness....

Stay running my friends. Stay running.

Ramblings About Running, Again

"What will we do this weekend, Sally?"

"Same thing we do every weekend, Brain."

"Try to take over the world?!"

"Negative. We'll fantasize about fictional characters and work on getting a nice bikini body in case we ever run into said fictional characters, or Josh Groban."

I've been trying to get into better shape for a vacation I will be taking in soon. WOOT WOOT! Therefore I went to the gym to hit some weights. (Side note: I lifted more than a boy... and he wasn't Asain!)
Of course the gym is crawling with glorious eye candy and I'm thinking of all these amazing clever things to say.... but this is what comes out...

And off walks super hot guy...

To help distract me from papers that I need to write, and research articles that I should be reviewing (systematic reviews of blood infections caused by central lines) my buddies talked me into going to the movies. They practically twisted my arm off.... Really, I talked them into skipping their workouts and eating Panda Express.

Might I add how ridiculously high the treats at the movie theater are... so I snuck in my Orange Chicken.

BAM!! Take that movie theater!

While anytime anything becomes a hot read I question the quality of it. (50 Shades, anyone?) However, Divergent isn't bad. It's a nice break from the 1500 page text books I have to read. And even worse then hearing a ton of people shout "This is the best book I've ever read!!!" While I hush my inner thoughts of, is that the only thing you've ever read? Is when said hit stories become movies.

Firstly, I'm now faced with the numerous amounts of people saying, "I didn't know these were books?!"
Secondly, when they make unnecessary changes to the story (ahem, the entire ending!)
Thirdly, the casting is almost always HORRIBLE (umm, I'm glaring at you Twilight)

BUTTTTTTTT WAIT. HOLD UP. WHO IS THAT?

Four.

Que Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet Overture.... Specifically, 9:00 into the song when the flutes chime in....
(AKA the Sim's music when they fell in love)                **Nerdgasm**

I'll spare you the details of the many times I said things in response to him such as

Theo James/ Four/ Tobias "Tris, what am I going to do to make you mind?"
Me (shouting) "Maybe you should spank me?!"

Apparently this is another Brit I have the hots for. Move over Matt Smith. See ya next Christmas, Benedict Cumberbatch! I've got a date with a different fictional character this weekend!

Did you know that Anglomania is a psychological condition causing a person to be turned on by and or obsessed with the British accent. If anyone ever makes a nursing note on my psychological state of mind, I'll be sure to tell them that.

Side note: Four was always my number in volleyball. Maybe it's in the stars.

After my night of splurging on popcorn and Chinese food I had to follow that up with a few nice runs in the park. (I managed to run 35 miles this week. WOOT! It was BEAUTIFUL outside.)

<If you want my more serious side about running click HERE>

Tell me if I'm just being a fat kid, but sometimes does fresh mulch smell like beef jerky?

Yeah.... It totally does... psssh... I'm not fat...

I begin to get super paranoid running in public. Where I used to run I would see maybe three cars for a 13 mile run. Now I see people. EVERYWHERE. It's fucking annoying. I always try my best to smile at everyone and be friendly just in case they are murderers or rapists in hopes that they will think I'm friendly and leave me alone. You wouldn't kill a friendly person would you? Nope. Didn't think so. Also I carry a couple knives on me and keep mace in my bra.  {very paranoid}

I can't help myself but look all around me and think, Gee, that's a good place to hide a dead body. Am I the only one that does that?? It's not that I'm looking for places to hide dead bodies but instead I'm thinking, don't find a dead body, don't find a dead body, don't find a dead body.

Yep. Totally normal.

There are weeping willows everywhere and plenty of brush. Not to mention a bunch of ditches you could hide a dead body in. It's always good to be prepared for anything.

(I know, my skill in microsoft paint is astonishing. Why the fuck is this chick going to graduate school anyway? Her artwork is both provoking and breath taking.)

Whilst, I sprint back to le humble abode, I remember how Kevin Bacon... Mmmm, bacon. NO! Stop. Focus. How did they survive? I decide I must make the ascent to the rooftop of my building.

I've always felt that my building looks a lot like the one from Ghostbusters.

So instead of writing on here, instead of studying for exams this week, I ran and read all weekend long. It was amazing. Exactly what my soul needed.

74 degrees out. Who wouldn't want to do this instead.

Also, I love that somehow the "not" has rubbed off. I'm pretty certain I won't try to be all Dauntless and won't attempt to climb over the edge; even if the sign tells me to.

Never Let Your Fruit Spoil Again

I love to eat fruit. However, I hate how quickly it can turn bad. (If it's good for you, it can go bad. If it's bad for you, it always stays good.)

Anywho.... I ran across this a few months back and have started to do this to almost all of the fruit I buy. Unless its a banana or orange because I'm not eating the peels on them and they typically last long anyways.

So I take my fruit and soak it in a solution of water and vinegar. 10 parts water. 1 part vinegar. I usually do 5 cups water and a half cup vinegar but it's whatever works for you. I have to use bowls vs. my sink because my sink leaks.

This is during the soak...

Look at those beauties!!

Let them soak for 10-15 minutes. (And I rinse mine off with water, but I doubt I'd even be able to taste the vinegar.)

And this is after.

Yuck!!

But seriously, this makes them last so much longer!! Who doesn't want that?!

How to Became a Successful Runner

By successful I mean; I've ran in a few races, won a few medals, and haven't died. I have a love/hate relationship with running. Somedays I love running. I love it the entire time my feet are pounding on the pavement.  <Like HERE>  Other days I struggle to motivate myself to do even the tiniest of runs. Hell, I can't even motivate myself to get up and brush my hair. But most days are me going back and forth with myself between loving and hating it throughout the entire run. In case you've ever wondered what it may be like to be inside my head on a run; then this post is for you...

Starting out I typically feel great. I'm all "I can conquer the world! My strength is without falter!"

3 minutes in...

I feel as though I am dying. My body's cells are shriveling up. My kidneys are shutting down. I need water.

Clearly, I'm overreacting. I won't die and you won't either! Just put one foot in front of the other.

By now I've started to cross paths with a few other fellow runners and I feel compelled to wish them good day. I try to smile in a non creepy way, but let's be honest, even in the best of circumstances I come off awkward.

I have snot oozing down my nose. My cheeks are flushed. My eyes have began to water because I'm outside and am allergic to everything. The only thing I can think is, Don't die. Don't die. Don't die as my heart begins to beat against my lungs. The searing, stabbing pain makes me want to stop. Just say fuck it. I hate running anyways. Then I remember how awesome I feel when I'm finally finished and I push myself onward.

Then I begin to use other tactics to motivate myself. I make deals with myself. Run to that telephone pole, then you can stop and walk. Then I arrive at said telephone pole and reevaluate. Am I dead? No. Do I feel like dying? Uh, maybe. Well shut up and keep going! You want to look good in a bikini this summer, don't you? Um, ye-yeah. Think about what you'll eat when you get home. How will you nourish your body for all this hard work? PIZZA!!! FRIES!!!

I'm not thinking about a salad. or salmon. I'm thinking about something fat and starchy. OK! I can do this!! I think I can. I think I can. Better turn my music up louder! I'll need some motivation. Maybe since I'm not dying I'll continue to run for the rest of this song when I reach the top of this hill, then I'll take a walk break.

Reaches top of the hill...

OK. You got this! I push and push myself to get to the top of the second hill and just as Mambo No. 5 stops playing I want to throw myself down on the ground panting. But I'm going to be sick instead. I can't tell you how many times I ruined things by puking. I swear I don't mean to. It just happens. All my life; in volleyball practice-- puke during a drill. Running a half marathon-- puke in the middle of the path. Big piano recital-- puke before going up on stage. It just happens. But in a weird way I kind of like it. I pushed myself THAT hard. Way to go! Great discipline!

My deepest apologies for all the moments I've ruined for so many people by puking. So sorry. 

But I'm a bad ass mother f#cker!

Just kidding. I'm weak. and fat.

But that's not the only way I've ruined moments for people. I've recently moved to a big city and live beside a very nice park. Naturally a lot of people have photo shoots at the park. Head shots, senior pictures, family pictures, wedding pictures. And I ruin all of those too.

I always try to make the moment better by shouting, "I LIKE YOUR DRESS!" in hopes that the bride won't be too bitchy at me for interrupting their wedding. But I'm sure it just comes out very awkward. And yes. I shoot them the "peace" sign.

By now I'm STARVING and there are all these couples hanging around eating picnics at the park. Do they not see me struggling to lose weight and stay motivated and not get distracted by their mouth watering food?! How dare they!

I run past them one by one and smell the delicious aromas of their glorious food. I really have to suppress the urge to run up to them and just steal a piece of bread. I want to try that someday though. Just to see what would happen. What would you do if this happened to you?

But I suppress my urges and run on.

As I run I keep thinking Why am I running? This was a horrible idea. I hate running. Who are those damn freaks that run 50 miles? Freaks! THIS IS TORTURE!

Then the voice of some skinny bitch pops up in my head. "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."

And I start to think of things that taste better than feeling skinny...

And to myself I ask,  Well? Well? You don't have a comeback for that do you? Voice in my head?

Now I'm back at my apartment. I stop talking to the voices in my head and turn off my running app. I catch my breath and look at how far I've ran and think...

Now that wasn't so bad...